To the Shrink

When I look at the pictures of myself before I left for school, I see a person who is bored with life. I can see a person who is existing inside of her own world. She laughs at nothing and dreams for days on end. She can never see the beauty of what is in front of her. She runs away to find a heart.

I’ve been in college for one semester. I left thinking I would learn to live. You see, I know my problem. That’s why I don’t go to a shrink and write useless rants on the internet instead. I would never go to a psychiatrist for her to tell me what I already know. She will tell me that I want to be someone else. A person who is satisfied with their life. She will say that life is not like the television and that I simply need to grow up. Fairy tales don’t come true and the monster beneath my bed is only my shadow. She’ll reveal all this a bit more crypticly than I just have, but all together she’ll be saying the same thing.

I want to do fun and crazy things. I never want to spend a free night at home. Two nights, if not three in a row, of my vacation were spent sitting in my living room all dressed up with no where to go, and with no one to go with. And I live in New York for heavens sake! I desperately need more friends and need to be a bit friendlier to the friends I already have. My best friend who before college I spoke to on the phone three times a day, gets no calls now. When I see her, I almost always get annoyed with something she does and then ignore her. Conversations usually end after she says she has no cash. Then I get mad and call her a bum. She decided our senior year of high school that she was going to take a year’s break before beginning college. Instead, she would work to make enough money to live on when she decided to move. In the end, she only fulfilled half of her plan. It was the half that was not going to school. She sits on her stoop all day and texts her basketball buddies on her sidekick; she doesn’t work. Therefore, she is a bum. Maybe she not raunchy smelling like the ones in the train station, but believe me, she doesn’t lift a finger to help herself. I try not to judge her and to encourage her to do something with her life before she gets bored and pregnant, but she easily tunes me out and the conversation ends.

I need to be able to express my feelings better. I bet if I could do that, I could be eternally happy and effectivei n getting my best friend to do something. She’s like Patrick, from Spongebob.

But you know what I don’t like. I don’t like how the story jumps from my problems to my the problems of my bestfriend. Do you know why? Because I don’t know how to talk about myself. It’s not like I’m a boring person, or lead a boring life. Not at all. It’s just… what do you talk about? I hate small talk. Talking about yourself is small talk, nothing more, don’t let them tell you different.

Let’s see,

My best friend and I do nothing all day but tell dumb jokes and act like kids. We’re the biggest kids you’ll find in New York. We saw the Road to El Dorado and Shrek, of our own free will and found them both to be hilarious. I think you are truly grown up when you can laugh at he jokes made in cartoons. Have you ever seen a kid watch tv. There’s no laughing involved when a kid watches tv. It’s just staring, the tv is watching the kid. The jokes involve brain power. Now that I think of it, that’s the way to choose a friend or a guy. Plan it out perfectly. You make dinner at your apartment and then pull out the sofa to watch Nemo. If they knows where to laugh, that’s your guy!

Ok, that was my idea of stand up comedy. It wasn’t funny. I never said I was good at telling frickin jokes.

Lulu<3

I watched, as in my hand, my life and beliefs disintegrate before my eyes.

Yes, I’m being over dramatic. Yesterday was my big fund raising event. It went pretty well. My only problem is that only twenty people showed up. I was nervous about attendance since the beginning of the planning process, and now my unpopularity is shoved hard core, in my face. I’m completely bruised.
It’s starting to get harder to deal with all these disappointments. Twice, in a row, I guy has stopped talking to me after one to two dates. Am I completely horrible?! I’m frustrated now. Look what you did. I let things like that roll down my back and out of sight but obviously my armor was cracked. I should not care, right? That I’m unwanted goods, at SEVENTEEN. How…. at seventeen?
GT says he thought I was gay. VEGA O MEGA (for all my non-Disney fans that means “Oh my Gosh” -Zenon. It just sounds so much better!) I am not gay!

GOOSHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t wait to leave and get out of this place. I hate everything right now. I hate the fact that I snap at every and anyone if they give pointless criticism. I hate that I’m stuck on unrequited love. I hate that I just cut off all my hair that makes me look like a boy. I hate that everyone pretends they have no idea what I’m talking about. I hate that I have a frickin pouch for a belly….

I’m leaving in less than a week. FUCK THIS.

Love

Ha! I fell in love. Thankfully, not with LC, with my best friend, Babe. I realized how much I loved her when i saw how soon i Was leaving and that she wouldn’t be coming with me.

Things are so crazy right now. I’m planning for a very big event and I’m getting my money together for college, and I’m getting my mind together for fun, and separation, and heartbreak.
I’m still happy, but I have this pent up feeling. It’s touching overwhelming. And I have been literally holding my breath.

LC, GT, Babe, family, I’m out of here!! And I love them all so much. but it’s either them or my life.

Are dreams really that hard to reach? I still see things as simple as a kid does. I see, the goal, and I see effort, and I see definite success. Maybe thats not true, in the beginning of the planning process for this event thats coming up really soon, I almost gave up. This was my first big event and I was a month close to the event and I had only one act booked. I felt so defeated! But I spoke to one of my friends who is a really big event planner and she almost laughed at me. She said that she never has everything booked until two weeks before hand.
That was the only time I was allowed to take a deep inhaling breath. Now, two weeks before the event, I have everything booked and I’m am so happy. There were some complications through out but there was the strong team that back me up every step of the way. I’m so grateful for the people who helped with this event. It’s going to be the best.

We’ll talk about LC, later. Darn him.

LC and me.

Have you ever heard the term playing with fire? Well, last night, that is exactly what I did. I invited LC over, and together, we played and boy, it was hot, in the experiment to see if I would get burned.

I invited him over to hang out and watch a movie. We had never really hung out since we began “intimately talking” and this was our first night alone. We got carried away. It was cool in the beginning while we were watching Shooter, but afterwards, it got fun. We kissed, and touched, and played like grownups. The whole time I was thinking… why are we playing like grownups?

I was less nervous than I usually am with someone. He can be soothing, and he had a wonderful body. We didn’t have sex, real sex or oral sex, neither. But the kissing, and touching, and movements did it all. Woah, it was like a movie, with an awkward beginning. He wanted me to take the lead, and I wanted him to take the lead, so it ended with me pulling him closer and hoping that he would do the rest. ::Sigh:: Lmao. We ended up in a hug with a beginning that screamed kiss. I took the moment to laugh awkward until he heated up. Finally, he took the lead. And the rest was history.

… The rest was a fun, interesting, history… LMAO! All while my family is sleeping upstairs. Woo!

When he left, I couldn’t stop reliving moments that would have made a nun blush. When they’re being reenacted all I can do is put on a distressed look and whisper “I can’t believe that happened.” Lol.

My only problem is that I have a problem believing anyone is completely genuine. All of my friends, girls and boys, are completely honest, no matter how much it might hurt a person’s feelings. That’s why I’m friends with them, if I do something stupid, or awkward they point it out, but we all laugh at it. When it’s not in the open, it’s in my head. Things in my head tend to manifest themselves 4 times their size in my arena. I love relationships to be like friendships, just with a little extra on the side. When people say everything is perfect, it throws me off. I know my inexperienced self can’t be perfect! Hmm… so its a little bit of self doubt there… I see it. Hmm… but not really, I am conscience of my self but not self conscience. I think he sensed it too. I kept giving him these looks in between. Gosh, this’ll ruin me.

Either way, we had funnnnnnn.

Lulu out.

Three weeks left, yeah?

After all the stress LC put me through, guess what? We’re “intimately talking” now, three weeks before I leave for college. I believe I got into this because I was curious. I’ve never been in love or really really liked anyone I’ve been in a relationship with and I was curious to see if it was even possible. All that love blabber that girls and boys talk about seemed unrealistic to me. I’m Lulu, I mean, Lulu doesn’t fall in love. This was my chance to prove it.
I can say, that I don’t love him, but I do like him. In the beginning there were a few things that turned me off. Like him asking me if I would have sex with him before we even kissed. I was so mad at that, after all the years we’ve been “friends” he doesn’t know me enough to know that I’d tell him ‘hell no’.
Lucky for him, I like him more than I could be mad at him. I really had to fight myself to not go off on him.
The entire time I was all goo goo gaa gaa over him, I barely knew him. There was never a reason for me liking him, it was always, this other guy is cute and funny, and LC is… LC, and each time my heart would choose LC while my head chooses the other guy. I have a feeling the experiment won’t go the way I’ve planned, that I’ll leave and go to college and’ll be heartbroken.

Although the idea is still funny to me now, I don’t think I’ll be laughing when I’m getting on a plane and saying goodbye to people who make my heart ache.

May brings…

You’ve never heard the word complicated until you’ve stepped into the month of May in Lulu’s shoes. Welcome, to the mess I’ve made. Step in.

Today is Sunday. I am still seventeen years old, only with a chip on my shoulder the size of two men. What makes these men so heavy a burden, is not only the fact that they are both completely adorable human beings, but because I am going away to college sooner than I can blink.

We all have familiarized ourselves with LC. Guess what? He says he likes me. In my fantasy, we have become the couple that disgusts me by kissing in the train station. We make googly eyes at each other and I smiled in his kiss. We were completely happy together and completely broken when I would leave. We would go our separate ways at sun down and every half lit horizon would remind me of him. In my fantasy.

In reality, I texted him a respectful but urgent demand for an answer. I needed to know because my sanity depended on it, completely. In a response that seemed carefully constructed as to not hurt my feelings he said he liked me. He said (in a nutshell) that he knows that I’m leaving and starting a relationship would be the decision of only a masochist.

I didn’t believe him. After all I had lied to my fair share of guys to spare feeling. I have even lied to myself. I told him I understood. Then he apologized and said I hope it didn’t hurt you to find this out… All I could do was laugh. It was such a bitter laugh. I even surprised myself. Although water fights now to overpower my constricted eye muscles, i had not cried. I could only laugh. I’m sure if I had not deleted the text the moment I read it, looking at it again would have made me laugh twice as hard, twice as bitter.

Of all the childish dreams that had floated in my head for years, never, had I imagined this ending! And never had I imagined it lacking so much drama.

My answer was to throw myself in the arms of another man, one who would accept me. He would fulfill the dreams so vividly dreamt up in the shadow of another murdering character and allow me to use my corny movie lines. Number two. R is the dream of any girl. He plays any sport you can think of, has a fan club the size of a small school and is kind and romantic.

Completely forget that he is not who I want.

But, I ran into him arms so purposely, but unconscientiously.

He understands my urgency.

I have little time, but it does not matter because we have time. We have enough time to prepare ourselves for the fall and downfall.

And I smiled into his kiss and read the line from the backseat of my subconscience.

Teach me, please.

Prom! and boys…

Prom was reallly fun. I got to hang out with my friends and dance until the sun came up.  I felt really really pretty although my feet hurt and I needed to change shoes thirty minutes in.  I even asked LC to come see me, bu the totally didn’t. I think he forgot. That bastard.

Oh, and the 98 percent totally went down to I’m 65 percent sure he doesn’t like me. One, because he looked me in the eye for quite a while. Not like staring at me, but one day we were standing across from each other and he kind-of looked me in the eye for a few seconds, looked away and then looked again a few more times. I held his eye for a few but I was unsure of what this suggested.

After I woke up (around five in the afternoon) from a restless night prom partying I jumped in the shower and headed to a near by diner. I got there around 7 pm and ordered my breakfast, Belgian Waffles (yum!) and eggs and cheese, with some OJ on the side. Delicious and fulling. I texted LC and told him my situation. Alone, diner, breakfast. HE laughed at my blatant disregard to the time. He asked my location and was about to head out to meet me. Until my friend walked in and joined me. Then it made no sense. I definitely was a little sad but then again, my friedns company wasn’t too bad either.

Maybe I shouldn’t go into this anyway since I’ll be graduating and leaving soon. Maybe I’m setting my self up for a more painful separation.

Ayuda me!

What do you do if you have a years long crush on someone you are 98 percent sure is not interested in you? I haven’t built up the nerve to say anything to him because of his brutal  nonchalance. He acts towards me the way he acts toward every female. The only hope I have is the fact that I am on his top friends list. An ode to myspace. What do I do?

Long time no see?

This title is pretty ironic since no one has been really reading my blogs since I’ve went away. This is my first week back from wonderful spring break in Florida so I’m just getting some things off of my mind. I realized that it was too soon to tell you guys my sad soppy stories, forgive me. I’ll stick with the awkward, humorous ones.

Let’s see, exciting news:  I’ve selected my college and it is great and I am excited to begin in August and a little scared. I normally am not scared approaching new experiences. I’m usually like “Sounds cool, let’s do it! Whoo!” But this one’s got me scared. Maybe because it involves being away from my family for a long period of time.

Coming back from Florida brought a lot into perspective for me. I let go some of my insecurities, although I gained 7 pounds on my vacation, I don’t care as much. I still think I’m beautiful. Which reminds me that I haven’t bought a dress for a prom that is less than twenty days away. Ahh!!!!! Lol. Who cares, right? Everything is an exciting rush. I’m excited, and scared, and apprehensive, and happy, and wondering what going to happen next.

Lulu

Listening to One Republic. Tune in.

Today, hanging out, talking to a brother-ish friend, ex-boyfried of sister, GT, someone I think completely rocks and is funny as youtube’s Charlie Bit my Finger. He asks me about my college choices, if I’ve gotten into the school I told him I was dying to get into. I shake my head and tell him no.

So where you going? I tell him I don’t know. Then he asks me if I plan on going to a city college and I, what appears to be genuinely laugh at him. He’s been trying to get me to stay in New York since he realized I was going to college. He smiles at me in what also appears to be genuine.

What? I might go to a CUNY. We might even start together. I say i’ll be either going to Pennsylvania or far far away.

Far away like Bedford and Classon? He laughs again and I laugh with him.

No, like far away like England far. It’s so funny how his expressions can change so easily. Real emotions don’t switch up like that. We stop laughing and hes gotten serious.

What are you running from?

… I’m not… running from anything. Cue pregnant pause.

Your not a very open person.

I know.

I’m trying to read you, but I can’t.

And at that moment I wanted to cry. I’ve heard it before. I’ve heard that I’m selfish, insensitive, inconsiderate toward peoples feelings. I heard it all before. And I remember when someone said they thought they had me figured out and I told them that was a bad thing. A few months later, that same person told me that they were wrong, that they don’t really know me anymore. I was content at that moment.

Now, it hit me really hard. I felt and knew that he was right. He wasn’t lying. I need to make a dramatic change. How do you become open and frickin mushy?

I ran to the cliche reason at first. I was this was because people hurt me and made me put up walls. But because it’s so cliche I don’t believe its true and I believe it’s just making excuses.

My insensitivity hurts people. Usually people who are closest to me. Now my head is full of dumb questions. This blog is a jinx.

I’m wondering if my mom hates me sometimes because I can be demanding and people will tell me ‘Of course not’ but once again its too cliche. What if she does? That doesn’t work anymore.

That stuff makes me uncomfortable. I keep my emotions to myself because there’s no reason to share it. Why should I have to cry to my boyfriend if I can cry and get over things by myself. Why tell everyone my business when it only concerns me? Why show weakness to people who may use it against you? Even that sounds cliche.

Maybe thats just how I am.

Hey Folks

To start off with Something Interesting: I need a cheap place to stay in Tokyo for the first week of may, does anyone have any ideas?

Now to everyday life!

Yes, so my week has sucked a bit. I’ve hit some realizations with one of my best friends not talking to me, and my ex boyfriend/ good friend not talking to me, and my other best friend on the verge of not talking to me. But, that’s something that depresses me, so lets move on.

Spring break is coming up, yay! I’m so excited. I’m taking a trip down south to Florida to stay at a hotel on the beach. Isn’t that great? I can forget about who’s not talking to me and why. I can get a massage and chill because I’m definitely on the brink of crazidom. With me, there’s a meter. For months and months I can put up with BS, easily. I can crack a smile and pretend who ever said something isn’t even there. But the more that happens, the harder it is to crack that smile until one day, I’m just like don’t talk to me to everyone. I sulk in a corner and write sad poems. I think we all do that. Then I’m over it and get on with my life. But, I’ve stopped making the effort to full the meter. I’m just mean to everyone and I sulk a few hours of the day. I’m going to pretend I’m happy for the next week. I have a workshop to facilitate soon in which I’ll be pulling enthusiasm out of my crack. Wait, I mean, yay!! Sunshine and rainbows!

My sister just had a baby a few weeks ago and the two are still in the hospital. The baby has a problem with her lungs. I want to see them so bad but I am 17 years old and don’t drive. They live all the way in Jersey. I feel horrible I haven’t seen them yet. I hate being like this!!! Oh, and I heard the new Panic at the Disco CD sucked! x0

I love you guys, you make me feel special sometimes. ^_^

XOXOXO LuLu

I still put on a vest with an S on my chest…

 

I hate to rain on any one’s parade but life can so easily get depressing. I’m surfing through some blogs and they’re like, happy, sad, happy, sad, and each emotion they feel, I feel with them. It makes me say, life is so beautiful but then I flip to the next blog and I’m saying Shit. The world’s falling apart. It’s so frustrating as a person who believes in social justice, and being pro-active, and change, when at the end of the day while people are dying, and crying, and being tortured, I am chatting it up with an old friend and laughing.

Every time I do something good, I am glorified when my work is insignificant seen in the larger world. I’ve inundated myself with the problems of the world and I loath my happiness. I want everyone to be so happy but myself. I see an old man on the train, who looks so lonely, and my heart reaches out to him. I wonder if people normally pick homeless people off the street and sit them down in a diner to have a talk. It’s ridiculous.

 

I feel like I don’t have time for happiness. Like I should not have time for happiness. I feel like the whole WORLD needs me. And I still need to figure out the reason I write in this blog.

Benazir Bhutto.

I know it has been a while since the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, but I just can’t seem to understand how this was allowed to happen. How does the oppressive president Duvalier, of extremely poor Haiti manage to escape tons of assassination attempts and live peacefully in France but Ms. Bhutto, loved by many unable to escape this.

Photos during the event illustrate Ms. Bhutto as invincible. Her genuine fervor and passion epitomizes her as an inspiring leader. Her death, and the minimal coverage of her death in the US only serve to further validate the sad disgusting behavior of the ignorant.

I stumbled on this video and thought I should share with you

http://www.nytimes.com/packages/html/world/20071227_BHUTTO_FEATURE/index.html

Through all my research about Pakistan and it’s civil conflicts I have simply discovered that circumstances like Mrs. Bhutto’s are not rare. Through out Pakistan’s history, leaders have been targeted, killed, and tortured. To me, it seems more officials die of assassination than natural deaths. The media chooses who will be the face of an issue, and Benazir just happened to be that face. She was the face of the many people including her father who was forcibly removed from power.

I believe the reason casualties are so common in Pakistan is because of the huge gap between the rich and the poor and between ethnic groups, then there’s the strict religious implements on society, and the desire to be modernized (or Westernized, which ever way you’ll have it.) Put any man in a desperate situation with other people who are in a desperate situation and they will revolt, eventually. People are tired of being looked down upon and they fight to not only discontinue inferior status but also to gain superiority instead of equality. So everything moves in a circle, one group over throwing another, one regime, one government, one region, until Pakistan is left swirling, everyone fighting each other.
Then there’s the taliban, who formerly ruled Pakistan and took Pakistan several steps backwards in all its efforts towards modernity. People often confuse modernizing with Westernizing, which is more often than not confused with Americanizing. Pakistan never sought the weighted balance of advancement and culture preservances. Turkey, a beautifully modern yet culturally rich country had sought this balance and achieved it (Aataturk!) Pakistan needs to follow the ways of its Islamic brother nation. Then again, I believe Turkey was rich in land, and I gained a lot of power and riches after the Ottoman Empire fell (but i’m not sure, studied this years ago people!) Anyway, Pakistan has alot to work on, starting with it’s self esteem. Alot of people are ashamed of Pakistan right now. Lol, probably wishing they were on the Bangladesh side.

Lulu (honorary pundit)

My life, on TV.

I saw a movie today that I believe was absolutely made for me. Holiday with Cameron Diaz and some British guy with the most adorable lips I have ever seen. Either way, it had the whole nine-yards with the cheating boyfriend, the year-lasting crush, and the work-a-holic-ness (of course on my end). I loved it, I curled up in a chair that I dragged from my dining room. (I have a new phobia of sitting in couches since I recently saw a mouse crawl from under my couch in broad daylight.)

The movie was like the perfect fantasy ending for my life’s problems. But I hated the fact it sort-of felt like one of those self-help books. I hate self-help books! (Disregarding the fact that I am currently reading one) They charge you 23 bucks just to tell you look within… and then the last page is the advertisement for the next book, How to: Look Within. I know someone must understand what I’m saying, it feels like a sham.

But back to the movie, it was really relevant to my life. Hollywood was trying to help me, help myself. Those sons of a gun.

Well, I saw Happy Feet afterwards and laughed my gluteus maximus off. I also watched a bit of The Tudors series, HIGHLY overrated and over advertised. This is me, getting back into television.

LC is LC and will forever be, LC…

We’re in the classroom. It’s lunchtime, teacher’s gone, about two or three kids are in the room with us, the door is closed. In the back of the classroom is a cream futon, looking so very out of place in this studious setting. I was sitting at one end, and he was at the other. Lets call him LC. We spoke about rats and roaches, and other creepy crawly stuff you sometimes have to deal with living in New York. It was normal conversation. Then he said something about his phone not working and took it out of his pocket.

“Let me see.” I think I’m a genius when it comes to electronics, simply because I usually don’t give up until whatever it is is fixed or completely in pieces. So, I scoot over to grab it and it’s still pretty normal. Did I mention that I’ve had a crush on him for ten years? Our family knows one another, so we’ve been good friends before school. We’re laughing and he’s looking me dead in the eye, rests his hand on my knee whenever it’s physically possible in his exciting hand-flying story. We’re talking, it’s very chill talking to him, and just enjoying each others company. Oh man! The bell rings and we exchange sad looks. We stand up to walk out the front of the classroom and his hands sets itself gently above my hips, at my sides, softly pushing me forward. It was the perfect spot, the perfect pressure. Oh man, I wanted to melt or hug him or something that involved more physical contact. We walked out of the classroom like that and said goodbye as we went our separate ways. I love you, you adorable, sweet, sexy hunk you. I screamed that in my head, no words actually came out. Sucks right? Maybe not, there’s one itsy winsy problem…

This guy is flirty with everyone and their mama! That no-good fool!